BREAKING THE CYCLE OF BLAME IN MARRIAGE
-Oba Samuel
“He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: And whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he. Understanding is a wellspring of life unto him that hath it: But the instruction of fools is folly “
Proverbs 16:20, 22 KJV
Blame is a destructive communication habit in marriage which grooms criticism, defensiveness, resentment, emotional distance and stonewalling.
Blame is an unhealthy game in marriage that never profits the relationship no matter the reason for it.
1. Admit: The blame game is contagious .If not addressed now, you will soon realize that your partner who doesn’t engage in blame will be given to it and atimes more aggressive. That’s why you need to stop it quickly before it becomes a deadly monster in your marriage.
To stop it, you need to admit that you play the blame game. For you to agree that you’re a host to this negative communication habit is the beginning of solution to it. If you want to enjoy fondness, friendship and affection in marriage, give up the blame game today,
2. Practice Empathetic Conversation: Stop expressing yourself based on your feelings. Instead of criticism, make it an habit to communicate and listen to your spouse empathetically putting yourself in the shoes of your spouse, speaking to build and not to tear down his/her emotions. Giving your spouse opportunity to express him/her without interruption will help you address several issues that can lead to argument or blame.
3. Stop buck passing and take responsibility for your actions:
You may get stuck in blame cycle if you don’t take responsibility for your flaws.
Stop pointing accusing fingers to your spouse, look inward and admit that you also contribute to the state of your marriage. You’re not perfect too.
You can actually share your feelings without blaming your spouse by avoiding the use of “You “and make use of “I”. For instance, “I feel terribly hurt when you don’t recharge our pre-paid meter” or “I feel devalued when the food is not ready before I arrived” Since, no one is blamed, they can easily take responsibility, apologise and turn a new leaf.
4. Be Conscious of Your Differences: To stop the pattern of blame, you must be conscious of the fact that you and your spouse are two different beings learning to live together as one.
What you consider as flaws are not flaws, it’s just a pointer to the fact that your spouse is doing things differently because he/she is different from you. Empathetic open communication will help you. This will stop you from unnecessary anger of blame game.
5. Acknowledge Your Roles: Both of you need to acknowledge the roles you played in bringing this cycle into your marriage and be willing to break the cycle from individual’s habit no matter what it takes. Don’t wait for your spouse to stop it first, no! Focus on yourself. Examine your actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings and you will realize that you’re not infallible.
6. Don’t Seek To Control Your Spouse’s Reaction : Marriage is a two adults ventures. You can’t control your spouse’s actions and reaction. So if your partner accusation at you, don’t fall into the trap of throwing counter-accusations at him/her. Make up your mind to always act and react positively without letting your spouse’s attitude influences you because you can’t control his/her actions and reactions.
7.Value your Spouse: Place value on your spouse as well as self worth. With this, you will be mindful of what you say and how you treat your spouse.
Place value on your spouse as well as self worth. With this, you will be mindful of what you say and how you treat your spouse.
No issues worth tearing you apart. Weigh your words very well before you release them.
Speak as lovers and not as competitors.
8. Be open To Each Other: Blame game often makes husband and wife to withdraw from each other as a result of resentment. But to break this cycle, husband and wife must be open to each other by sharing their secret fears, trauma, insecurities, expectations and emotions. This will help them to break every barrier to intimacy and make them friendly and loving couple.
Yes! you can be free from the blame game in marriage.
