HANDLING A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES TO CHANGE
– Oba Samuel
” And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;
To them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law.
To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some”1Cor.9:20-22
I have heard this statement “he doesn’t change ” she would never change ” from several husbands and wives who are frustrated with their spouses’ habits and lifestyles.
In marriage, there are bound to be challenges or issues related to unacceptable or irritating behaviours, but the real problem is when your spouse refuses to change.
IDENTIFYING A SPOUSE WHO RESISTS CHANGE
#If he/she keep complaining about a particular habit of yours for many years and you refused to yield.
#Laziness and not fending for the family.If you’re lazy and not responsible for the provision of your family needs.
#If you always disrupt your agreed plans for couple’s hangout at the last minutes
#Are you fond of breaking promises made to your spouse without a cogent reason
#IIf you have never admit that you are wrong in that relationship or marriage
#To have problems with erection or low sperm count and refuses to see a counsellor or medical doctor for proper solution.
#Incessant abusive; physically and emotionally
#Serial infidelity
#Alcoholic lifestyle
#Stubbornness and unsubmissive
#If you refused to see a marriage counsellor despite the unhealthy situation of your marriage which is causing frictions
#When you keep repeating the same mistake
How To Handle Such Spouse :
1..Everyone can change :Although, it is scientifically proven that, habit can changed but the reality is that ,everyone will not change. Change begins in the mind.
Change cannot take place until the party that truly need to change see the need for it without being coerced..
Per adventure, you are reading this message and you have been battling with an habit or* lifestyle which has been frustrating your spouse of which you believed can not be changed. No! It can be changed once you see the need for it and your willingness to change.
2.You don’t have the capacity to change your spouse :
This truth is a bitter pill to swallow for all married couples.
You can’t change the habit or frustrating behaviours of your spouse because change begins in the mind . You can only change your reactions to him/her or change your approach to the issues that is bothering you in that marriage.
For instance, if you have been tackling an issue with yelling or malice, you may decide not yell again whenever it reoccur and choose to talk about it calmly and prayerfully.
Change your approach to that issue and the reproach in your marriage will stop.
3..Make a list: List all the good and bad behaviours of your spouse separately. Then, focus on the positive ones and pray for grace to ignore the negative behaviours. When you focus the positives, the bitterness and pain will die gradually.
4.Discuss the Issue : The mistakes of many people in marriage is that they always attack their partner instead of attacking the Issue at stake. If you are fond of attacking your spouse because of his/her negative lifestyle, it will get worse.Know that you can’t force your spouse to change.
Rather, look for an appropriate time in a conducive atmosphere and discuss the problems,how it’s affecting you, your marriage and children. Open his/her understanding to the consequences of such habit or lifestyle If it persists. And don’t forget to assure him/her of your love.
5.Convince your spouse of your understanding : One of the major reasons it is difficult for many to inspire change in their spouses is their inability to convince their spouse that they truly understand why it is difficult for him/her to do away with the bad habit and that you appreciate all his efforts so far.
If you can succeed in making your spouse feel that you have perfect understanding of how difficult it is to change the bad habit or negative lifestyle, he/she will feel at home with you to discuss some deep things you don’t know about that issue with you and give you a listening ear when you offer a solution
6.Don’t fight the conditions :There’s a story of a wife whose husband was addicted to alcohol and night clubs for more than 30 years in marriage. By the time he agrees to quit alcohol, he gave a condition that,unless the wife can store palm wine for him in their refrigerator consistently ,then he will stop patronizing night clubs and alcohol.
Being a born again Christian, the wife didn’t like that idea but she complied and after one year of drinking wine at home, he quit drinking permanently without being forced.
Never fight the conditions given to you even if it look like a lesser ‘demon’. Apply wisdom in working around it until you achieved your desired result . Your calm reaction can inspire a change in your spouse.
7.Be Patient: It’s an error to expect a change over night in your spouse.
True change is not a flashlight, it takes time. Stopping a bad habit/lifestyle is not easy, it takes time.
Most of the issues that is causing frictions in marriage has been there long before wedding . So, it will take some time before you get rid of it totally.
Appreciate your spouse as the change takes place in fractions and be patient for the total makeover of your marriage .
8..Don’t write your spouse off; expect a change: “there’s hope for tree cut down”
It’s very disheartening to be living with a spouse who refuses to change with annoying behaviours but never make the mistake of writing him/her off because it is never too late for God to move your souse’s from infidelity to fidelity, stubbornness to meekness; alcoholic to godly, wickedness to kindness,stinginness to generosity, among others.
You don’t need a change of spouse. Expect the change you are longing for and you will surely see it manifest in Jesus esus name.
9.Pray for change: Pray and trust God for your long awaited change in your spouse.
Trust in the ability of God to change the negative habits and lifestyles of your spouse. There’s no one too big for God to touch.
Don’t give up praying for your spouse even if you can not see the change now, have faith in God, it will soon manifest.
When you stopped praying for your spouse, you have succeeded in handing him/her over to the devil.
Beloved husband /wife,there are many options on how to handle a spouse who refuses to change, but never consider divorce.
You don’t need a new spouse to have a new experience in your marriage.
Your Family &Relationship Coach,
Pst Oba Samuel
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