– Oba Samuel
“ Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;”
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 KJV
In all the features of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8,domestic abuse/violence is not among them.
Yet, many have encountered untimely death in the name of love.
Many precious souls and budding stars have been cut short due to domestic violence and many so-called lovers have become killers in marriage.
As Singles and youths planning to get married, you need to be more cautious so as not to join yourself with a potential domestic violence perpetrator.
Though, he/she may not look like one now but careful observations of these signs will prevent you from ending your marital journey in the hands of an abuser
FACTS TO KNOW
Domestic violence perpetrator or an abuser .can either be a male or female.
Records have shown that there’re wives who abused their husbands as well as husbands who abuses their wives too. But it’s predominantly among men.
There’re factors that make someone to become an abuser. Which are:
A. Genes : Abuse/domestic violence is hereditary.
For someone born by abusive father or mother, he/she may grow up to become an abuser if nothing is done.
B. Influence: Being raised by a guardian with abusive lifestyle or keeping company with abusers may influence him/her to see abusiveness as a normal way of life.
C. Personal choices: Individual’s personal choices to take to alcohol and drugs can influence it greatly.
D. Economic : Abusive actions can be triggered by unemployment, loss of job/business, low /no in-flow of cash.
A calm and quiet fellow can suddenly become violent and aggressive after loss of a job, loss of capital or collapse of business.
This can affect him psychologically
E .Mental Health Issue: Anyone who has history of psychiatric problem can be triggered into domestic violence. That’s why you need to engage in thorough communication during courtship which must include health history and status.
Love relationship often starts with fun fare, kind gestures, hanging out at eateries, cinemas/resort centres, friendship ,constant chatting and phone calls which brings fond memories.
In reality, most relationship doesn’t start with violence or abusiveness.
However, many relationships end up becoming abusive/ domestic violence in marriage.
Domestic violence makes marriage ugly, deadly and regrettable.
You can avoid it by watching out for these signs during courtship in order to detect a potential domestic violence perpetrator:
1. Harassment at work:
Any so-called lover that can come and harass you at work, shop or any other place of your business is a potential domestic violence perpetrator.
2. Extreme jealousy: With this kind of jealousy, he/she is capable of hitting, hurting or injure whenever he/she sees you with an opposite sex.
Watch out for something worse in marriage
3. Aggressive behaviour: Beware of anyone who is too aggressive in courtship
4. Cruel to siblings and parents: If you notice that he/she is cruel to siblings or parents beware.
Although, he may be acting nice to only you, don’t be fooled, you’re the next victim in marriage.
5.Insecurity:Insecure fellow can become abusive in marriage
6.Controlling :Be careful of a controlling fellow in courtship.
Someone who determines who you talk to; play with; what you wear; where you go; what to eat and take over steering of your life.*
This is not love, it is a sign of dictatorial tendency in marriage.
7.History of Mental issues, depression or suicide attempts:
Aggression and violence can be triggered in the lives of anyone with Mental health history.
Only Jesus can cure such conditions totally without any leftovers.
8. Disobedience to parents and authorities: If he has no respect for his/her Parents and constituted authorities in church or mentors, he will treat you worthless.*
9. Belief in superiority of men over women: Anyone who believed that women are non-entity or demonstrate hostility towards opposite sex, such is a potential abuser.
10, Feminist mindset: Feminists in a bid to protect female gender and to make men believed that they’re not superior to them can also end up becoming abusers to their husbands.
11. Infidelity accusation: No matter how plain and trustworthy you’re, he/she will falsely accused you of engaging in multiple relationships.
Though, no evidence of such, he/she will lay claim on it to stir up trouble in marriage.
12.Anti-social lifestyle: Someone who is not socializing with anyone can end up becoming a subtle or violent abuser in marriage
13.Low self esteem: Low self-esteem can make some people to become violent in marriage.
Especially if you have better academic qualifications or earn more than him/her.
14.Uncontrollable anger: Beware of marrying anyone with uncontrollable anger because such fellow has the seed of violence in him/her which will be in full blown in marriage.
If you’re always going begging to pacify his anger even when you’re not at fault, wisdom demand that you flee because that’s a sign of danger in marriage
15,Possessiveness: Anyone that’s possessive ,doesn’t give you a breathing space, is always all over you in all places have the tendency of violence acts or abuse in marriage.
You may be enjoying it now but it’s not healthy in marriage.
16.Verbally abusing you; Verbal abuse in courtship is a red flag that other abuses- emotion, economic ,psychologically, physical and verbal will be a daily dose for you in marriage,
Click here to get my complete write-up on verbal abuse
17.Taking charge of your finances; Now that you’re not married and he/she has taken over your money, collect your salary from you, and you have to beg him to get little portion of your money, he/she determines how you spend your money while the larger part of it will be spent by him/her .
That’s a sign of economic abuse in marriage. That is not love. Wake up now before it is too late.
In fact, if he/she loves money too much, you need to beware!
18. Public Humiliation; If he/she beats you or humiliate you publicly in courtship will do worse in marriage.
No reason is good enough for public humiliation. Run away from such fellow
19.Check your phone, email: Anyone who is fond of checking your inbox-mail, chats is looking for something to trigger his anger demonstration.
20.Isolation:You’re not yet married but already trying to isolate you from family, siblings, friends and people that matters in your life, beware.
That means he/she is cutting you off from your support system.
21.Threatens to beat you hurt, hit, slap ,kick ,beat or pushes you, he/she is just rehearsing what you’re going to experience in marriage.
Don’t stay in such relationship, no matter the prophecies that led you into that courtship.
22.Forcefully have sex with you :If he/she has turn you to sex slave; having sex at will against your wish and against the law of God, walk out now.
Younger men and ladies who are cohabiting often experience domestic violence.
Many cohabiting partners often stay with their abuser because of not having alternative accommodation where they can move to.
Over-reliance on the financial power of the abused because they believed that they can’t survive without him/her.
Some are full of fear that the Abuser may kill them if they try to move out while others have gotten used to the abused and love the abuser for his deadly acts.
Note: Cohabitation is not accommodation.
The solution to cohabitation is relocation. Move out now before you’re reduced to sawdust.
Do not keep your experiences in your relationship from your Pastor, counsellor or mentors.
Remember, broken courtship is better than broken marriage.
Please share to all your contacts
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Pst Oba Samuel
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