What Kill Intimacy In Marriage

WHAT KILL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

-By Oba Samuel

Day after day, I keep seeing couples with sick marriages; damaged and in need of urgent attention so as to be rescued from total collapse.

The more I work with them, the more my hearts bleeds seeing that almost all of them does not know what make intimacy slipped out of their hands as their marriage move from healthy state to ‘sick bay’ and some to the grave.

If you fail to kill what kill intimacy, it will kill your marriage.

Below are the killers of intimacy in marriage:

1. Competition: In an Olympic competition, you get a medal when you do well but in marriage, competition earn you no medals but enmity and hostility.

In competitions, each participant is looking for what to do to win, defeat and edge out their competitors.

No loser is truly happy with a winner; there’s always an ill-feeling.

Stop competing with your spouse; get rid of ill-feelings which destroy intimacy. Be a team player. Healthy marriage is not a competition; it’s a team work.

2. Lack of intentionality: Intimacy is built on intentionality and one of the things that lead to early death of intimacy in many marriages is because many couples are not intentional about their marriage.

 If marriage must thrive, husband and wife must be intentional about relating as friends, talking together, playing together, eating together, sleeping together, bathing and planning together. You also need to be intentional about respect,submission,forgiveness; reconciliation ,unity, among others.

Any attempt not to be intentional about these areas will knockoff intimacy in the marriage.

 Intimacy in marriage is not accidental, it is intentional.

3.The ‘I’ Gene:Intimacy will be suffocated to death where either or both parties are made up of “I” gene” which signify selfishness and self-centeredness .I

f your lifestyle and conversation is centre around “I,me,mine and my”, intimacy will have no breeding space in your marriage .

Are you only concerned about what you will eat,wear,drive and use for your own comfort without bothering about the needs and welfare of your spouse? You are going against the rule of intimacy.

 For intimacy to blossom, give more to your spouse than yourself, focus on how to make your spouse happy and be selfless.

 The level at which your spouse is happy concerning your actions will determine your level of intimacy in your marriage. Selflessness is the fertiliser of intimacy in marriage; apply it daily.

4.Solo Promotion: Intimacy can be eroded without stress if you are the one initiating and promoting solo lifestyle in your marriage.

To be a solo-promoter means you are always the first to engage in negative actions which promotes division.e.g,if you are the one that stopped sleeping in thesame room with your spouse, stopped eating with him/her, stopped bathing and every other thing that can promote oneness in that marriage as a couple; that means you’re a solo-promoted in that marriage.

Note that, you are in marriage to fulfil God’s agenda of building peaceful, blossoming and thriving union. Don’t be a tool in Satan’s hand by promoting division in your marriage. Have a change of attitude; let the Holy Spirit take over your thoughts and actions as you promote togetherness.

5. Single love-promoter: Frustration and resentment will set-in; if only one party in marriage is the one promoting love while the other party is nonchalant about his/her roles in making the marriage work.

Failure to reciprocate the loving gestures of your spouse can lead to bitterness; frustration and stonewalling if not addressed quickly.

To build intimacy in marriage, both husband and wife must see it as a duty, obligations and lifestyle to engage in activities that will promote love in their marriage.

 If you’re not working to promote love, you are indirectly working to kill intimacy in that marriage.

6. Controlling and dominance: Controlling and dominance don’t build intimacy because the spouse of a controlling and dominant partner often feel intimidated, oppressed and caged.

He/she is not feeling safe to express him/herself. The attitude of controlling is enmeshed in the use of demeaning statements, aggression, isolation and manipulation.

Stop intimidating and controlling your spouse like a military dictator, this may work in your office but it will destroy your marriage.

Love is not a prison; let your spouse be free to express him/herself in the ambience of true love

7. Talking too much: Talking is cheap but it can become a crime against intimacy in marriage if you talk too much without corresponding listening attitude.

For you to be the only one talking without giving room to your spouse to talk and listen to him/her there will be bottled emotions and emotional distancing.

Stop monopolizing conversation in your marriage, let your spouse also talk and give him/her a listening ear too and it will amaze you the expression of joy in him/her and see how it will boost Intimacy.

8. Immature behaviours: There are many immature couples in marriage today who demonstrates childish behaviours which is wrecking the boats of many marriages.

Examples of immature behaviours are: getting angry whenever things does not go in your way, keeping malice often, chatting /playing games on your phone throughout the day to avoid talking to your spouse, food rejection, throwing the remote at your spouse, labelling your personal property which your spouse must not touch because you are angry, allowing sibling /parental control of your matrimony; moving into a separate during disagreement, among others.

It’s so challenging for many to overcome immaturity in marriage because lots of immature people don’t know or fail to admit that they are childish.

Admit that you are immature and take steps towards maturity willingly. 

9. Discouragement: Everyone love people that encourage them and no one get attracted to someone who discourage them.

If you are fond of discouraging the plans,visions,goal and aspirations of your spouse, you are creating deep gap and emotional divorce between you and your spouse.

To boost intimacy, be the number one fan and encourager of your spouse.

10. Sex Problems: Waiting too long before addressing the sexual problem in your marriage will not just kill intimacy; it may uproot the marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.

Arise now to resolve your sexual issues. Read Christian book on sex(my book; Enjoying The Benefits Of Marriage) and seek godly counsel to address issues like sexual deprivation, painful sex, premature ejaculation, among others before it pull down the pillars of your marriage.

Please share to all your contacts.

Your Family Coach,

Pst Oba Samuel

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