BUILDING A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
-By Oba Samuel
Marriage can be healthy, sick and it can also die.
No one enjoys an unhealthy marriage because it breeds regrets, bitterness, malice, secrecy, infidelity, constant quarrels, domestic violence, division, separation, and divorce.
A healthy marriage should be enjoyable and filled with joy. A healthy marriage brings love, fondness, friendliness, joy, trust, affection, intimacy, unity ,progress and peace.
How can we build a healthy marriage?
1. Build a relationship with God: Matt 22:37-39
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
Healthy marriage cannot be achieved if couples do not make God the foundation of their home.
Having a relationship with God will make you live right, serve Him and avoid all forms of ungodly lifestyles; such as lying, smoking, drunkenness, infidelity, wrong association, among others, which are the bane of marital turbulence.
Marriages will succeed if husbands and wives can reaffirm their love for each other and dedication to God.
Marriages fail because people fail to model Christ in their actions.
Getting to the point of honour in marriage is not something that can be achieved by human knowledge and ability alone, but by divine ability.
Without God, you will only succeed in building shanties, not a home.
2. Be Ready To Resolve Conflicts
Ephesians 4:22-27 KJV
“That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil“
There’s no healthy marriage without misunderstanding, but it must be resolved quickly.
A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns; it is a relationship where couples are committed to resolving their issues.
Many marriages are silently destroyed by unresolved disagreements. When you allow conflicts to linger, you give place to the devil.
Don’t break your marriage because of little faults; nobody is perfect. Affection is better than perfection
Every couple should have mentors, counsellors, or pastors who they can talk to for advice when there’s conflict.
Avoid domestic violence. Abstain from physical, verbal, emotional, or mental attacks against your spouse. That won’t change the spouse, but will make the situation worse.
Avoid the vengeance mentality (“do-me-I-do-you”). You are not God. Be ready to resolve conflicts related to money, career, in-laws, infidelity, parenting, bedroom matters, among other issues.
Fighting in front of your children is dishonourable between you and your spouse. When both of you fight day and night, there is the tendency to have and raise stubborn and rebellious children.
Don’t let that problem fester; resolve it quickly, and where possible, seek help.
3. Improve in communication:
Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, Sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.
Col.4:6
Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
For marriage to last, couples must constantly improve in their communication skills.
Become a wordsmith: Before speaking, consider the words you’re going to use.
Guard your mouth, choose your words carefully, speak less, be courteous, and use words that are positive and encouraging.
Avoid yelling and nagging and learn to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,”“Please,”“Thank you,” and “I love you.” Never use destructive words like, “fool,”“idiot,”“you’re mad,”“bastard,”“bitch,”“stupid,”“I regret I married you,”“pack out and other phrases that may leave your spouse with deep wounds.
You’re not communicating and worsening the situation if every time you speak, it is to criticise your spouse in the presence of your children, workers, neighbours and family.
Be a good listener; if you are not, your spouse may perceive, that you’re communicating a lack of value and loss of value to him or her.
Shutting down communication reduces the chances of the survival of your marriage.
Instead of replacing your spouse, try to reconcile and heal your relationship.
4. Create Time: “Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds”Prov.27:23
In order for a marriage to work, husbands and wives must create time for each other and not just for their jobs, careers, businesses or social activities.
Money is good in marriage but it cannot substitute quality time together. You need time together to build friendship, affection, intimacy and love. Satan will destroy your marriage if you’re too busy to have time for your spouse.
Create time for talking, praying, playing, hanging out, shopping, and going on dates.
Make your marriage a priority and you will have the peace of mind to excel in other areas of your life.
5. Togetherness;“two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour” Eccl.4:9
Marriage is not designed for isolation; it is for togetherness.
It’s a red flag for husband and wife to be living in different towns, cities or countries. No reason is good enough to justify this as this has caused many marriages to fail.
If you’re living far away from your spouse and really want togetherness, relocate and move closer to them right away.
6. Be a Responsible Husband/Wife.”But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” I Tim. 5:8
The family runs smoothly and effectively when husbands and wives perform their roles and responsibilities. Where accountability falls short, marriage will suffer.
A responsible husband provides the family with accommodation, food, school fees, clothes and other basic amenities. Unfortunately, many marriages fail because of irresponsible husbands.
Dear husbands, provide for your family. Provision gives motivation to love.
A dutiful wife will ensure she cares for her husband and children, not the type that is nonchalant about the home-front.
A virtuous wife cares for her husband’s hygiene, diet, household organisation, and children’s homework. She will never put her husband’s food into the hands of a housemate or a chef. She will give her husband delicious food and be on time.
A great wife is not one that is excellent at work and a failure at home. She is a balanced woman.
7. Groom confident and Godly children:”Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it” Prov.22:6
Marriage is the nest for grooming children; outside the parental nest is the destructive net waiting to trap them.
The best place to raise godly children is the home where parents are serving God and leading their children in the way of the Lord. If parents are not godly, the chances that their children will serve God are very slim.
Statistics have confirmed that the alarming rise in divorce cases is the root cause of waywardness among children.
Working marriage enhances children’s emotional and cognitive stimulation.
When a marriage breaks, it’s not just the marriage that breaks, the lives of the children also break.
Many homes are no longer a haven of rest, but have become a place filled with selfish and abusive parents, making many children run away from their homes.
Many children are turning to drugs, gangs, sex, violence, video games, social media, and suicide as a result of a love-starved home.
God is counting on you to raise godly and morally upright children who will be a blessing to the kingdom of God and society at large.
Reading parenting books and going to parenting classes will improve your skills and help you become a better parent. Parental failure is a tragedy and will cause future regrets.
Being a good man or a good woman is not enough to raise quality children. You must be exceptional as couples, as children need both the father and the mother.
Keep on revitalizing your marriage by reading marriage-related books, listening to marriage messages, and attending conferences for married couples. Our annual Honeymoon Reloaded for Couples is highly recommended.
8. Couple’s Prayer:
“Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven” Matthew 18:19
Marriage has enemies. Therefore, husband and wife should team up together to fight the enemy of their marriage.
God honours the joint prayers of couples more than individual prayers. Create time out of your busy schedule to pray together concerning your visions, projects, children, finances, health, among others.
God has solutions to all your marital challenges; take them to Him.
Understand that Satan knows the potency of couples’ prayer and he will want to stop you from praying together.
In the name of Jesus, God will heal your home and your marriage will be blissful.
Yours in Family Ministry,
Oba Samuel
Family Enhancers Int’l.
Oba Samuel is a family and relationship coach. He can be reached on +234-9068994983
